July 29, 2008 at 3:10 pm | Posted in cliteral ecstasy | 5 Comments
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where i was brought up, they kept saying that monkeys have more than a soft spot for bananas. they would do anything, and still would do anything to have the inside of the softer yellow of it- including exchanging the loot of their lifetime. ok, you remember that picture essay in primary school where a trader selling hats decided to rest under a tree and slept? and then the monkeys in that tree took all his hats and wore them?it was a funny scene, i tell you. the next picture showed the man dishing out bananas and the elated monkeys gave him the hats back..

si nugu tu na ndizi, ah!

likewise, i sometimes visualize myself as many things in relation to literature.

this time round, i feel i have this thoroughly scrubbed red a** and with one craving for bananas. i see like i would almost do anything to get my self laid in between the sheets. this is the second allusion. am aprostitute, the writers are my clients. the roles have been semi-reversed. in as much as the writer has to be seductive in the way he strings words together, i keep sharpening my reading and writing skills on the same. the slutty aspect steps in when i dare to read just about anything, from high-brow lit through all newspapers to the tacky magazines that dot the local vendors stand.

anyone who holds me ransom with their words long enough, has me longest-i’m a word digger!

anyway, i think Kwani? is becoming a force of literature to reckon with not only in Kenya but Africa at large. Taban Lo Liyang’s sentiments that E. Africa is a literature are being washed down each dawn. with the likes of Chimamanda Adichie headed for this side of Sahara, well, Kenya is becoming a pivotal point in the world of aRts.

by the way, for you novices, i have a crush on Adichie’s work(and her too!)…the purple hibiscus and half of a yellow sun. if o dont get the kedo 1500 needed to seduce any off the shelfs….refer to the nyani na ndizi anecdote!


jack bauer and the drunk of marigo-ini.

July 25, 2008 at 7:36 am | Posted in randommoments | 8 Comments

there was this drunk back in my village, Marigo-ine whose name translated to ‘chicken or hen. he was ‘ngoko’ nguku yaani, eh.

i dont know if

it has something to do with his cowardice, or a poultry farm he ran before i was born, i found people calling him that. but one thing was for sure about him; alcohol was his darling!

so, on his usual rowdy drunken stupors, he would refer to any young man he found on the way as ‘ jamba ya awa’.

ukuga atia jabaawa‘ / what do you have to say the warrior of…

jamba ya awa, said in that all-common kikuyu rustic drawl..sounds like jack bauer with a silent ‘ck’!

but i dont say. both names refer to heros.

as Wambua Sammy would say. just a thought!

kenyan radio:the sounds and non-sense

July 17, 2008 at 5:10 pm | Posted in life | 19 Comments

some radio presenters make me feel like throwing up after a meal.or if am hungry, get that irritating feel you get when you cant ‘mwaura'(vomit) anymore.others have the effect of a cat grating on ironsheet- a wave of discomfort that travels through my system, much to my disgust.

i mean:THEY SUCK. and suck with a passion while at it!

i wonder where the future of radio is with such- but God help us all!

see, sound and sense are related but are different things in the audio package- most have NONE- they suck soundwise and are no where near sense.

radio, i believe is not about dripping the mic with saliva like Abbas Kubaff would say. its about oozing a personality that rides down the audience ears, coming out as real and convincing.it is much more than googled shit . imported accents and twang never authenticate your coolness- we jua you have never been to the real west, are not from westie and the nearest you’ve been to the US of ass is western Kenya. yeah i know, some may have lived ‘dea’ but offloading you twang on innocent ghetto-cured ears comes off as plastic, impository…everything.

corine, of HBoiz, who named her the queen of hiphop when all she does is play crunky crap. whereas i have an option to escape the torture of her ta’ ta’ ta’ ta’…i was surprised the other to discover that she is actually a nyang’ori!

well, i have a long list of personalities i hate and though corine aint one of them, i know many who should, as they say, ‘have listened to their teacher more’ and probably followed a different career path!

Albert Josiah the big ka-ho’-na! nigga, i think its time you got served. i wish you knew the devastating effect ya have on my ears anytime i forget to change stations and your drab nonsense hit my eardrums. daktari man, i have nothing but respect for you, but stick to sticking needles up bottoms of stubborn patients and save us the agony of littering our airwaves, coz like your brother nick odhiambo, you BORING and lack any intimation of life!

the rest of the suckers follow in quick succession, led by one fag-sounding Taylor one thing or the other of Radical Rock Hboiz…yeah, Charles Taylor Murathe- SHOOT YOU! i chocked in distasteful vomit when i accidentally listened to the show yesterday- the thought and voice of you canoodling the mic with such a metrosexual voice makes me think Ryan Seacrest is straight! i mean, boy, my @@@ feels totally insecure with you in control of airwaves. i wouldnt be surprised anyway if you spotted piped jeans, tight leather jackets and stripped shirts and a glassy grey pupils.

well, am not quarter way through and i feel no remorse though, for if getting tortured is one quality that Mc Cain thinks qualifies him to be president of the states, i am also in the race!

but i prefer the politics of haterade and listening to music all day. thus Hot96 comes naturally as a choice…especially for their dj mixes- coz talent is diminishing , or rather LACKING. well, if the future of radio is bestowed with akina Yols, ahem…we got reason to put robots to man the station. That dirty gal of radio with her character that insuniate that she is trapped in that stage of life called KIDULTHOOd- will she ever stop talking about sex????

I aint a bit sorry for getting personal and If anything, we should strap those mics with that Chernobyll product, Polonium 2o, watch as their skin wastes away, like a scene from ’28 days later’.

The rest of y’all little pervs and rascals, you luck space and time is limited. Otherwise the barbed razzlers are still waiting for you.

Nevertheless, there cant kosa some personalities I tolerate. Seanice and Fhareed may top that list for their spontainety and obvious realness- that Fhareed is a farting wart who hides in the arrogant way he treats listeners. Seanice is way niiiiiiiiiiice, wish she was as nice, visagewise, but she is from the Chamapara country, so……..

Chris and Allan, the pornographic couple. At least they are subtle in their handling of this radio content and they somehow flow well. Otherwise, they should save us the agony of listening to their sexual prowess, trust studded or not. We all know the king of sex is out here, ha.

As for Ciku, take busted from her and we see what we left with. Martha Karua without fr. Wamugunda,er I mean law? I think of her highly as a writer ( aint she a pioneer editor of Pulse?) on busted, SatMag…but her assumed intelligence pisses mwah off. One doesn’t achieve intellectual mileage by quoting Shakespearian rags, Cleopatra McAnthony…but it enhances the strength and philosophical rhythm of your story…which she crafts master-fully. Her writing sings.

Finally, G-money, like the G spot, is exclusively for the ladies!

Oh, and Tero, Namtero Mdee, leave the late night shizznit to that cat, La femme Fattal, Nini- she is the ultimate night nurse, the husky voice, content and quality.

Tero is much off better convincing us on magazine covers….

(edited)happy birthday boy:myOFFICIALtwendy-nothing

July 6, 2008 at 4:53 pm | Posted in he-motions | 13 Comments

men, it felt so good today. it’s was my birthday. it was my secret. it went unnoticed! but men, it still felt so good to be a year older. with no gifts or celebrations… anyway, it is also nice to be twenty something a day before the life expectancy of Kenyans increased. sacrilegious! i mean, are there people who can determine how long people should live? anyway, no time for battles today, but MYtitbits, RIGHT?

  • myPHONEs-the last one crashed from internet applications.am quarterway geek…the current one is a samshit.
  • myCAREER-postively charging towards negativity…looking for some neutralizer.i dont understand it either.
  • myWOMEN-one at a time…utamu wa njugu ni kula moja, moja
  • myFRIENDS-not the BEST in the world. but so am i?lakini, heard of anywhere you exchange friends for a new set?
  • myMUSIC-i dunno, tastes keep on changing, but Rihanna has a voice i never tire listening to. Immortal Technique does it for me, hardcorewise.
  • myFACE-unmistakable…though hapo kwa side i had flu.
  • myCRUSH- anna lucia of LOST. ceased watching it after her xter was killed off!
  • myEX- the fairest i ever had…but with the current tidings, aha!
  • my BLOG- almost deleted it yesterday!
  • myI’D LIKE TO MEET- am blank here. maybe soms writer? a blogger?
  • myYOU- am glad you reading this, i love you(ladies pekee!) for dat.
  • myPERSONALITY-what’s the weather like tomorrow?
  • myEDUCATION-wantingggggggimmethatgoddamndegree!
  • myFAVORITEblog-the one i never read.
  • myMIND-i let it wander, have never found it since.
  • myGOODLIFEIDEA- waking up the the verse, she prepares a hot breakfast before me…
  • myLOVES-literature.gals.travelling
  • myGOD-the living one!
  • myDAD- my favorite parent

thanks yall for keeping it real for me.


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